Hobbies of shame and proud.

Once, at a job interview, I told my panel of interviewers that I play Starcraft on my free time to de-stress. I later thought it was a worst kind of hobby you could reply at a company interview, especially if it’s the first one to get through the screening process– I was not thinking, and it was after I had already been accepted to another role at a different team, but I still regretted. 

However, no matter how shameful I felt about the fact that I revealed my secret hobby to the interviewers I just met, it is painfully true that I was indeed shameful for revealing the deal, and it had obviously had a negative impact on my first impression as a candidate, perhaps being a sign of lacking the sociability you would like to see in a new buddies in your workplace. 

I still do play computer games sometimes and do spend time idling on my cell phone, with silly mobile games, kind of similar to pokemons in the old days. It doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy hanging out with my friends outside or dine at a fancy restaurant and only spend my days looking at my cell phone in my room all day. However, it does offer the kind of comfort you never will feel surrounded by people measuring your worth, and I don’t regret myself too much for feeling in for this hobby.

With some intense and idealistic goals ahead, I do still resort to spending time on playing games instead of talking with people out there. However, there is no way I will openly share, discuss, or talk about this to anyone I will see at work. I don’t find it too rare to find people judging those who spend too much time on their computers, that being said it’s also not too good for your body.

There is significant taboo against playing games with your time, and I believe it’s anywhere around the world. I used to feel such immense amount of shame in watching TV for more than two hours, overeating, reading comic books, and playing computer games, that I felt like committing a crime when I ever did. I would eventually trash all the comic books I was too tempted to buy up, and for some of them I had bought them twice. I don’t do this any more now, and I am much less sensitive to the guilt of my own for killing my time on these activities as a grown-up. I can still manage to live by, and by trying less hard, I stay in the mediocre range of things that I can achieve as a smart person.

It isn’t as exciting as when I felt closer to my dreams yet as I gradually became less hopeful, there was more time spent on doing things less closer to my ideals. Looking back, I wondered if being idealistic and opinionated was a good thing, to show myself when I was so different from the majority wasn’t too risky, showing that I was ignorant was good or safe, or was it detrimental. I guess I have episodes to tell about coming to the point where I am, which I appreciate very much — I don’t mean to regret where I am, because I am happy for finding myself in those who stayed with me.

Overcoming the guilt of breaking the high self standards was good, and understanding that I only get as much as I try and spend time doing one thing, also good. Given the condition, I chose to take a break or lose myself at the point where I knocked out. I am not exactly sure if the point was when one of my closest cousins became vegetable and fell into never-ending coma after a tragic car accident, or when I was struck by some mysterious happenings related to a love-like accident– which I now recall as a kind of fairy tale episode if true. I am rather afraid to believe that it was true, but still reluctant to admit that I was simply crazy, because everything that had happened was real.

However, they can now all be understood in the realm of psycho-social development of my character and self-identity. I was sad to realize that I used to have partial amnesia, simply a realization based on the fact that I have very good and clear memories of my past, and all that was gone until after I entered senior year and had gone through all the epic dramas of my life as described above. After I got back my memories, I was shocked and was looking for the source of that sudden recovery.

All of these have affected my past three years in Korea, ever since I came back and detached myself from those I met in America, by now they may not be that important. I lived, ate, and slept well, not every night, but by now after three years , I do, and I am more relaxed and in peace. 

As I spent my day watching my cell phone almost four hours and half after I came back from shopping, it just dawned on me that I idled away another half a day. I sort of felt I deserved it given that I really did overwork myself in the last week with a project I am in charge at work. Sometimes, getting too immersed in work gives me fear that I am starting to think I have to do everything the moment they arise, but it is not true. It is important to take a break. Tomorrow I am going out, but today, I didn’t really spend my time with anyone else but my family. 

It is funny to recall the time I was first coming up with the idea of this blog. I named it the polite times in the most sarcastic way, because I was too much unsatisfied with the world around me. I wanted to tell the world that how unfairly I was treated, and how much grievances I have left in my heart, suffocating me every day. I thought of explaining everything real in a form of fictional writing that I would eventually convince everybody, but I was wrong. It was ugly, and sounded like a mad person talking. I can still feel sadness looking at myself in that stage. 

I was talking about hobbies that I used to or ought to by social pressure feel shameful about. Yet it sounds like this still has to do with my insecurities of the past few years. I never properly explained myself and never will. So this might give a fresh start with the acknowledgement that I do enjoy idling away sometimes, and do play computer games even this day when I get bored. I am happy that I am able to admit, because I will still play even when I am older as long as I could enjoy them for what they are and find pleasure and rest in enjoying the fun they can offer. 

Perhaps it would be a nice practice to phrase them in a more professional and trusted manner when I get to talk about it. 

End of today’s thoughts. 

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